Sam - 10
Madeline - 7
Noah Baker -5
We had to watch where we stepped because these fuzzy little caterpillars were all over the trail today!
We made it down, around, over, through, next to, and finally ... followed the deer tracks down by the water.
(August)
Needed indeed. But I'm not looking forward to going to bed tonight. Watching them play today took me instantly, and violently, back to the look on each of their little faces when they each realized that we were all drowning. That look will haunt me until the day I die.
It was just an accident.
No one was being naughty.
No one was being a bad listener.
We didn't need life vests since we weren't swimming that day. Everyone was only up to their shins, just like I said we could. It all happened so fast, suddenly the sand beneath our feet was gone. No one could touch the bottom, there were no sides to grab. Sunny 95+ weather, a cloudless sky, a what seemingly trickle of a river, on the last summer weekday before school started. We've done this dozens of times. I wish I could say that it doesn't keep me up at night. Luckily kids are resilient. For several nights afterwards however, Madeline would cry herself to sleep, whispering that every time she closed her eyes all she could see was green. And that even though she doesn't like Sam sometimes, it scared her when she saw him "floating like a skeleton in the river", that made her sad.
A week later Noah reenacted the entire scene in Madeline's Barbie Pool, "Ahhhhhhhhhh, I'm drowning (gargle cough cough gargle), I'm a gonner, I'm dead, now you're drowning ...." Madeline in hysterics, and Noah saying very matter of fact, "It's okay Madeline, don't be sad - we DIDN'T die, remember?"
And poor sweet Sam. Sam carried a lot of guilt. He said somehow he felt so "responsible". He felt like he should have been able to keep treading water and help Madeline keep her head up. Sigh .... meanwhile I'm explaining to him that it wasn't his responsibility to keep everyones head above water, it was mine. And I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I couldn't do it. I'm so sorry it was so scary. And of course what they didn't know at the time, was that I knew. I knew they were swallowing too much water. I knew they were going to drown. I knew I was drowning. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep treading fully clothed, with three panicky thrashing kids clamoring on top of me, holding me under. Simply because I have two hands and three heads to keep up. I knew Noah would probably go first, because he was the weakest swimmer; because as soon as I'd get his head above water, Madeline would go under. So I had to let go of Noah, just for a second, just long enough to get her above the water. But when she was up, Sam would unintentionally in a panic, climb on top of me, holding me down under the water. And this went on, and on, and on, and on. At one point we were under long enough that I had complete thoughts of, "I wonder if Sam will know how to 'unlock' my cell phone. The star button and then the space-bar button, surely he'll see it by my sunglasses on the river bank. I wonder if he'll be able to pull Madeline to shore. Oh please God don't let him get hit by a car on his way for help...."
And then, somehow I was above the water. Still treading, my choke hold still around Noah's little neck, trying with all my might to keep just enough of his mouth and nose above the water. Madeline crying ... this is good, she's breathing. Where's the third? Only to see Sam floating. And as my eye saw his little body Madeline's eyes met mine, following my gaze over to Sam. Then the shrieking started, Madeline screaming to save him, Noah coughing, water, vomit, eyes bulging.
I don't know how it happened, but we made it. And eventually all four of us were on our hands and knees on the sand bar, both little kids vomiting, everyone crying, no one's legs strong enough to take real steps for several minutes. It was a horrific afternoon. A life changing afternoon. More than a couple of times under the water I knew I would never see them again; and that more than likely, only the oldest would make it. I was overwhelmed with the guilt that Sam would never be okay, that he wouldn't end up being this amazing forward thinking man someday if today was his last day of innocence.
I wish I could say that suddenly a surge of energy washed over us. Or that I saw God's hand reach down from the sunny sky. Or that I heard my guardian Angel, and that kept me from panicking, giving me the strength to tread for close to 40 minutes while holding up my 9, 7, and 5 year old above the water & then the energy to swim back to the sand bar. But none of those things occurred. Although something did. Because I had three children under the water, and only two hands. It wasn't me. I was weak and tired. So thank you God, for saving my family. And allowing us this amazing Sunday Adventure now in chilly November, three months later. Thank you for allowing us to heal.
WE
MADE
IT
!
