'Just a scout'
A typical afternoon, after school routines, Mommy getting milk out & rattling off snack choices, shoes are coming off, backpacks are unpacked, papers being sorted, jackets are being hung, gloves are finding their mates and put in the glove bucket...you get the picture. Sam goes upstairs to his room only to come barreling down in a huge hurry with a wild look in his eye. I mean a WILD look.
Sam: NOBODY PANIC! (Meanwhile his arms are outstretched as if stopping traffic).
Amy: Alright...not panicking. (Sorting through miscellaneous awesome projects and homework) What's up bud? Ohmygosh, N-O-A-H Baker, get OFF the counter *I* will get the peanut butter down! Sam....Sam?
Sam: (Has disappeared only to reappear with his rifle, you know, the Red Ryder carbine-action, two hundred shot Range Model air rifle with a compass in the stock and a thing which tells time rifle from last Christmas? Yep that's the one).
Amy: (Gasps, and furrows her brow) SAMUEL! Put your gun away, what on earth are you doing? Is the safety on? What's going on? (Now he has Madeline & Noah's full attention)
Sam: (Putting on his safety goggles with movements of a man on a mission, retrieving his gun from it's extremely short-lived temporary housing against the wall). There-is-a-B-A-T in my room.
Amy: (Cocking my eyebrow, a BAT? Now Sam....)
Sam: Yes, Mommy you heard me, a B-A-T. And I hope he's hungry. . . . because he's about ready to have a mouth full of metal."
Amy: Sam, (trying not to giggle) what do you MEAN there is a "BAT" in your room?
Madeline and Noah (With eyes as big as cartoon eyes...standing as still as can be.)
Sam: (With one swift movement he charges upstairs, gun in hand, yelling some sort of battle cry. Which only encourages NoahBaker to run after him shouting, "Wait for me Sam! Wait for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Meanwhile Madeline, well she starts to cry. "Mommy, (gulping dramatically) is there really....a....a....a....BAT (crinkling her nose) in the boy's room?!"
Amy: Madeline, don't cry honey, I'm sure it's just a.....(stopping to think...hmmmm...what COULD it be? SURELY NOT).
Hollering up the stairs, "Samuel, you will NOT shoot a thing-wait just a second!" (Reaching for my phone, as it has either help or a camera...or BOTH available). Come on Mad, let's go check out what the heck the boys are looking at. We head upstairs....
Amy: (Reaching the top of the stairs, only to find Sam with his gun cocked and pointed towards the ceiling. Pointed towards a BAT! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!!! Now, it's disturbing enough to find a spider or ant in my house, as they belong outside, not inside. But when you find an ANIMAL with creepy beady eyes HANGING upside down in your child's room. Uhm. It's NOT okay.) Sam, put your gun down. Wait till Daddy gets home, he will, uhm, catch it, or take care of it, or kill it or something.
Sam: (Looks at me indigently) No WAY! This is MY room and I am going to protect it, and my little brother. Mommy, there is a B-A-T hanging above Noah's bed. (Turning towards the bat, moving in closer gun in hand). I hope he's ready....ready to DIE!
Amy: (TRYING not to laugh, but equally freaked out. Because, oh I don't know, there is a freaking BAT in my house....shudder!!!!). Alright, come on. Everyone down stairs. I'm shutting the door, Daddy will be home in about an hour, there will be NO shooting the bat.
Sam: Are you kidding me?! Oh, there will be bat shooting alright. Mommy, seriously, THERE IS A BAT in my room. He has to die. The end.
Amy: (Now giggling, I can't stop)
Noah and Madeline: (Not quite sure if they should laugh or cry)
Amy: (Shutting the door to the boys room. Corralling them all back downstairs.)
*Now downstairs, a long explanation from Sam to the little kids about this bat is a scout, and we need to kill it b/c if we don't our house will be over run by bats, bat babies, a "bat colony will live in our attic".*
Sam: I am SO shooting that bat. I TOLD you I thought I heard a squeaking sound the other night! I am NEVER sleeping up there again. Well, I guess I will if I can sleep with my gun. COME ON Mommy, why can't I shoot it now?
Amy: You are NOT sleeping with your gun, did you seriously just ask me that? And NO, you cannot shoot it now. Sam listen to yourself, you're asking me to shoot your gun inside your room. No.
Sam (Bewildered look in his eyes). MOM, there is a B A T in my room. Like literally hanging upside down, in my R O O M.
Amy (giggling)
Sam: MOM, this is no laughing matter!
Amy: I know, I'm sorry. You still are not shooting it.
Sam: UGH!!!!
*Fast forward an hour*
Rob: Alright, so there's a bat in the boy's room?
Sam/Madeline/Noah/Amy: (All talking at once in a feverish pitch)
Rob: Laughing, reaches for Sam's BB gun.
Amy: Wait, what are you doing?
Rob: Shooting a bat.
Sam: No way! This is MY room, it is MY responsibility to protect my room, Daddy PAH-leeeeeeeeeeeeze let me be the one to kill it, I have to!
Amy: You're seriously going to shoot it?
Rob: Well, y-e-a-h. Any other suggestions?
Amy: (Laughing) Uhm. No?
*Everyone heads upstairs, and once up there, a flurry of excitement and debating on WHO can take the first shot, Sam or Rob. Much to Sam's dismay, Rob was to take the first shot, and then Sam could...uhm....finish him off.*
Sam: The WING, Daddy shoot him in the WING, do NOT kill him, it's my responsibility to kill him!
Amy: (Meanwhile looking around...why is there a bat up here. Maybe there ARE bats in the attic? Super. Shudder and eeeeeeeek!)
Rob: (Shoots the bat. And that damn thing-still hanging upside down, by the way. Makes a little squeaking sound and slowly spreads it's wings open. VERY slowly. Like super-scary-late-night-movie-slowly.
Amy/Madeline/Noah: (Mesmerized)
Sam: MY TURN!!!!
Rob: (Handing Sam the gun)
Sam: (One more shot. The bat falls down with a thud onto the rug-right by Noah Baker's bed. And then Sam proceeds to shoot it several times. In the head.)
Amy/Madeline: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Noah: Can I try?!
* So, in summary. Evidently there is an occasional BAT in the attic. And this time...the "scout" made it into the boys room. Sam, by God, took care of that. *
